I'm still finding my way back into you..So there

Hahahahaha!!..

Ironic. What I'm feeling right now, is a far cry from being happy. No..Don't get me wrong. It's not that I am not happy..It's just that happiness maybe is too much of a word to describe what I am feeling..So let's see..I am...Dazed..Right, let us just settle with dazed..for now...

I'm currently sorting out my emotions...Literally, currently..Like, as of this moment...

So..Hmm..

*Dead Air*.. ( Can you have dead air even if you're alone??)

Ok..Here goes my blog entry..

This week (April 6-10, 2008 - to be more exact), I have been into a really terrible fight with my significant other ( I now prefer to call her my significant other rather than, "my lover" because the term drives me crazy!haha). Yes, we've had pretty crazy fights before, but this one is by far the longest. I don't know who to blame exactly because as they say, it takes two to tango. She was wrong, and so was I.

Let me describe to you how and why it all happened ( the fight that is) - in a nutshell...Basically, she doesn't like my friends, and I of course, ADORE my friends. Friendship is a big part for me. So important that I am actually scared of falling for a friend (hmm..revelation! revelation!).. I wouldn't even dare to "take the next step" with a friend, especially if that friend is someone who I really treasure. This has already happened to me before..But then again, I still am not that sure. Because at the back of my mind, something tells me that maybe I am just making an excuse for not really wanting to fall because of the lack of...physical attraction? maybe...finding something in common - not that kind of common common..something common..like something you can use to build a relationship with this other person - this "friend"...perhaps..So there..going back..(I am actually short term - another revelation! - that is why I am now going to take a look, back at what I was just trying to say earlier)...So there..I love my friends. It's such a cliche..as in gasgas! But really! Friendship is a big part for me..There was even a point in my life when friendship was a close second to being as important as my family is to me..More or less you get the picture - right?... So there..and yeah, for emphasis, let me also say that we are a close knit family..really..So there.. The fight basically happened because, she doesn't want me to be with me friends (because according to her - verbatim - "ayoko ng may kahati..ganun akong klase ng tao..hinid mo ba kayang matanggap yun?"), and I being the "lovely rebel" that I am (haha :D) still try to find ways, in order for us (my friends and I) to meet..in a word, what I do is tumakas so there..You get the drift..She found out..naturally, I was busted, and then we fought..But now, we're "okay"..or so I think..or so I would want us to be..or so I convince myself...

Moving on..to be able to better understand, dates are very much important..Remember that we we're in this fight from the 6th of April, up until the 10th of the same month..It was four days..Yes, a little short in comparison to the fights that other people have with their significant other. However, for us it's already considered as something looonnngg..And oh! It was only this after noon that we were able to "patch things up". (Also notice the quotation marks in every word that I type down)..Moving on..Looking at my previous blog entry, it's dated 9th of April 2008. It's about a rendezvous (marunong eh!hahaha. :D) with a friend, we met the night of April 8, and that night was..my my..hmm..inspiring for one..yes it was inspiring.. However, I still feel that I don't do it (the rendezvous) justice be merely describing it as inspiring..let's see..That night was in more ways than one.."heaven"..at least that is what I think..for now..(again, remember what I said in my previous blog entry - the one before this...I am a very indecisive person..it goes with basically anything and everything - even the words and statements that I throw around..not just with my decsion making) So there..moving on..Many things were laid down on the table that night..Things that I must say, I was and still am not quite prepared for..It was casual, yes..But still it gave me this sense of awkwardness..but! awkward in a not so negative way..Just like surprises, there're good surprises and bad surprises..This one is a good kind of awkward (if there is such a thing..)..So there...let me fast forward it to what I am feeling right now, which caused me to again write another blog entry. And let me just say that to write a blog entry, (wherein you basically state what you are going through, or feeling) which is in one way or another accessible to anyone who would give you and your rants and raves a time of day, is quite hard! I mean, think of this..To tell someone how you feel..Someone..That one person..That one person - who you feel, has to know what you feel..is already hard as it is..What more, practically telling anyone and everyone what you feel..It's quite tough!..and all I can say is "Kudos to those who have multiple blog entries!! - given that they do not write "bullshit". :) "

So going back to what I was trying to say..I'm feeling dazed..dazed because I was not prepared. And though everything still remains to be casual, and though I know that I am happy, still I question myself of this happiness that I am feeling..Maybe my conception of happiness, just like love is over rated..Maybe I simply have no idea whatsoever..I diagnose myself as highly neurotic. I think too much about mundane things.. More often than not, I contemplate, and the result for which is a flight of ideas..I am simply dazed..and I settle with the word dazed as a definition..for now...

Going back to the fight that we had ( and again I would like to stress that we are now "okay" - again a quotation mark..why? Because, it would still depend on how you would like to define the word okay..so there.), the night of April 9th, I cried..She said things. Things that I am not sure, if was called for..anyhow, same thing..she said it, it made me cry ( which explains the uploaded photo), and it wouldn't make any difference now...

"hindi na kita kilala pat.."


"bakit ba parang ikaw mismo yung gumagawa ng way para magkagulo tayo??.." (bullcrap in my own opinion!..I was not deliberately starting a fight because at that point, I was just tired!..Tired of the fighting..Tired of her being insular..Tired of everything..Everything that we had)..

Moving on...

Now, I still am dazed..okay..AND confused..of things that are happening between me and my partner..What is going on??..Why am I feeling this way towards her, and when did it all start?? hayy...pfft!.. Questions, questions..When will there be answers?

My partner and I have been together for 3 years now (honestly, I'm really not that sure because things happened between the two of us..But, she told me that it's three years..so yep, three years it is..) but, now I am confused of where I stand, (stand in terms of me, questioning what I am now feeling towards her..) and Inasmuch I would not want to hurt her, (because, I for one - in my own opinion - have felt the deepest kind of pain, hurt, remorse, sorrow, self pity..and everything that goes with it..with her..) I can't help but think that there will come a time that I would (and this would not be the "highschool kind of hurt" - if you know what I mean)...and no, I am most definitely not in denial of the fact that "love without pain is meaningless", but I swear that it would be the last thing that I would want to do..and so it goes without saying that indeed I am dazed..AND confused..AND ultimately, weird..

I think that I am now (once again) being highly neurotic..and I have to calm myself (haha..I am always in panic like PANIC! AT THE DISCO! haha..and so it goes.."I don't write sins, I write tragedies"!hahahaha! :D)..I am being my corny self once again..my deepest apologies..

BUT!This subject would not be left hanging cause I feel that it has not been wrapped up yet..It's just that I think (I think! maybe there lies the problem..I should just stop thinking! - is that possible??) that again, I am having a flight of ideas, which I cannot handle..

So till then..CHEERS! :)