My Sins (this is not a confession).

Today is quite inexplicable. I am not happy, nor am I sad. I guess, today I am hoping. Today I am waiting.

I am not, and I guess was never really a patient person. I would always get irate and quirky when I want something, and I don't get it IMMEDIATELY! Waiting always drives me nuts. My mom for one, always says that "God has His own time" or that "Patience is a virtue". But, I am not really drawn by these mantras. When I want something, I should get it, and FAST! as in really fast.

When I really want something, and someone would make me wait for it, the act of waiting in itself would make me lose all the excitement, all the feelings that would make all the wait "worthwhile". I would just get angry, I would just be bitter; the longing will be replaced by hatred... Hatred for the person who made me wait...Hatred in the circumstance, or you can say, fate - Hating fate for not giving it to me when I wanted it so bad!When I am wanting it still so bad!...

It is best not to make me wait...


I would like to think that it is not merely the act of waiting which irritates me so much. I would believe that it is for reason as to why I (still) had to wait. Why you still made me wait...In spite of knowing for a fact that I wanted it so bad...I want it so bad...that it has to be NOW.

Spoiled. Rotten. Bratty...Maybe. But No. I think that once again, I beg to disagree. Let's just say that some people have weaknesses... And waiting, well yes, waiting (for one), and being impatient is mine.

Today, I feel incomplete. Yesterday, I was mad. I was sad. I was in a roller coaster, for my emotions were not that defined. I would walk, and at a sudden turn, a new emotion would be felt by me. I was unstable...Yes, you could say unstable. Yesterday, I was most definitely emotionally unstable...

Yesterday wasn't the first.

Today like any other, I am a sinner.

I have been, still am, and always will be a sinner.

Now, I write down my sins with no intention to repent...



1. ANGER:

My latest realization today, is that I still haven't escaped all the memories (and everything that goes with it). Pain. ANGER. Hatred. Longing.


Wanting - revenge; Needing - to avenge myself.

Vengeance in the hopes of redeeming myself and regaining everything that was lost. Everything that was stolen. Everything that was robbed off of me. It was robbed. It was taken without permission; without my knowledge. I should have seen it coming one way or another. But, No. I did not - and I cannot undo that. I cannot wish for something to be once again pristine when it is which that cannot be undone. That would be so wrong. It's wrong on so many levels. It would be going against nature for one. It would be an abomination. Simply put, it is impossible.


All I can do now, is to move on, and hope for better days ahead. Moving on - easier said than done. Moving on - a myth, a ray of hope, something intangible.


My way of looking at it is that it is asymptotic. Like truth, moving on is Asymptotic. You get there but not really. You think you are there...finally...But then again, not really. You could almost touch it, almost taste it, you could use it to your advantage by believe in it as something that is true! Make it your guiding principle in life; your redeeming grace; your second chance; your tabula rasa (for those who are more hopeful, and less condemned)...ALMOST.


That is what I believe in...For now.


Until I am what I want to be.

Until I accept who I can (only) be.

That will be the only time that I will be able to find solitude

My solitude. My conception. My rules. My solitude.

I will be vindicated.

I will make pristine that which cannot be undone.

I will be a believer. I will no longer be a contradiction because I have finally found solid ground. I will be better. way better.

2. INSECURITY:

I have lived my life knowing that I am this, and I am that. But I honestly never, never ever really believed in everything that I thought.

My Dreams would be my fuel for my passion, and Hope will be my salvation for my dread.

I have been called many names. Been placed on pedestals, that I have since then fallen from. There really wasn't much to see. If anything, it only made me more insecure of me. It only made me realize that everything that I can be was only make believe. A fantasy. Because ultimately, I still have yet to know me - the real me. I still have yet to find my solid ground; know where my faith lies... Rest on my solid rock, and start building my chateau's on these concrete lands, instead of investing on them so much yet building them in the sand.

From a distance, it would be prettier building sand castles. It would appear to be more fun, building sand castles. But this can be, this is decieving! This is a deception. Everything brings good feelings, good vibes, good energies, the kind which all of us long for, but in the end what it does ultimately, is waste our time.

It wastes our time. Pollutes our mind. Dampens our Spirit. Weakenss our heart. And initially hampers our growth.

(...to be continued)

I CAN AND WILL BE everything she COULD EVER BE...and MORE!

I woke up today feeling a lot of angst in my heart.
Maybe it was caused by various sentiments for the past years that have bottled up, and now has erupted like a volcano. No warnings. No signs. Just a plea that you will be prepared for its coming...

There are a lot of issues that I have to resolve; with other people, and most importantly, with myself.

I have yet to know who I really am. I guess that I am also just like you... I am on a soul searching escapade! I have yet to know who I really am - my purpose, my being, my real essence. To merely zero me in on a certain adjective would be an understatement, and it is not because I have multiple persona's, but it is because I am in many ways a "jack of all trades" (for the lack of a better term), also I have yet to know and settle on an adjective that best suits me (not that I am diminishing my value or essence as a person to a mere adjective).

Today was not good to me at all.
I woke up with a chip on my shoulder.
I believe that I have for the past months. However, I was in the pursuit of a happiness that I thought was for me. And I brushed the thought of me, having a chip in spite of it, having been very apparent and all.

I was going after the wrong things in life.
I have been going after "things" that I thought was what was missing.
I was living, but not really.
I was here; was alive, but then again, not really.

It's more than about missing somebody, or certain people (for that matter) who've touched my life.
It's more on, about me missing out on life.period.

It's not merely about losing your sanity,
It's about me losing me, as an identity - all together!

The chip that I long neglected has now taken it's toll on me
I have now come to realize for one, that this chip on my shoulder
has, and have been for the longest time, like a wick in a candle, consumed my totality as a person.

I have forgotten how to be me...I have forgotten me...I have forgotten, hence lost myself - altogether.


My emotions are welling up inside me. The last time I was like this was when I broke up with my girlfriend. Now, it's all coming back to haunt me again.

However, I will welcome it if I must. After all, it was during those times that I must say, was I "INSPIRED". I was floating, drifting, getting lost in the chaos, and being affected more than ever by the emotions inside me, and still not really giving a damn about "things that really mattered". However, it was because of all of these, that I was able to center more on what was really inside of me, and I was able to channel all the hurts (due to the lies), frustrations (due to expectations - that were not that extravagant - at all! mind you!), and disappointments (due to the answers that were not able to answer the questions at all) to ART. Quite ironic but hey, I guess it's just the way that it is, and I can't really argue with that...

There're things that I can change, but for those which I cannot, I will just accept. Accept and move on.

It all lies upon once tolerance level...This is the time that I will increase mine!!!...

And to life's difficulties and adversities - I know it all comes with a purpose! I will not come out of it undone!!

and so I say...Bring it on MotherFvcker!!!

something expected..oh well, it's cyclical!

We got back together again!:) details of how it all happened to be posted on my blogspot tomorrow, for the reason that I am already ishlipy...*awww*yawn* :(

I will blog about it with vivid descriptions, it'd be as if you were there! haha..

GOOD NIGHT! Every day grace!

CHEERS!:)

...In Love with Love

Cyclical. Blissful. Temporary, and more
These are some of the things to describe
Love that I have long adored.

It's all transitory, it's all part of God's plan
A plan crafted and marked by His own endearing hands.

No matter what preferrence, No matter how vague
Still you cannot escape the fact that love and to be loved is most definitely in your fate.

Faith, Fidelity, Communication and Trust
Keep these values sacred
Die with it if you must.

Love a person not the thought of a person loving you
And when the time comes that God thinks you already can
embrace it gracefully, after all it's future still lies in your hands.

While the timing is not yet right
While the purpose is still unclear
Prepare yourself to become the best person
for the one who will love you dear.

Time is of the essence
Take everything in stride
You don't know how soon
You and I just might collide

Laugh, Love, Live even if your alone
Invitations still grant farewells
Make sure that you will still be able to make it on your own.

Cyclical. Blissful. Transitory is everything in life...True.
And the only soul you'd be able to count on
Will be no one else but you

Inspire people but don't let them use you
Show them what's lacking
Gratitude, Value, and Truth.

Deceptions may be everywhere
But still there's room for Truth
For we are all created by one Master
and His love will never falter

*BOW* Ü u-huh! u-huh!

efin bored..snap! we just broke up

I think that finally I've had enough...So I called it off...As far as I know, we're not together anymore... I did break up with her you know...For sure...Hmm...However, She took a nap and is still asleep so I still don't know for sure if it's final that we're not together anymore...Who knows? Maybe when She wakes up, she'll start to win me back! - and I just might give in! Hahaha! I'm not keeping my hopes up though...

Today's a blessing because, today I'm Happy and I'm mighty fine!Ü Super fine!Ü Bummin' around is fun! Boring but fun! Sheer boredom can equate to fun!Ü Haha. I'm starting this new thing of finding happiness in everything...as in everything! dayymm! Good one! Ü

Our meeting up for today was cancelled. I cancelled it because I thought I had these plans but nope. No plans for today...or tomorrow.

We talked over the phone, and that is how we broke we up. Hahaha. Kind of informal I know. But, can't blame me...No siree! I've had enough...Or have I?? Beats me.

Answering survey's used to be my remedy for boredom. Now, it's blogging!
Ranting and Raving about something without Scooby really knowing! Hahaha...But soon it wil be unleashed! It is like a magic trick, and every trick has a secret behind it...Soon it will be known...For sure...Fo' shizzle Ma' Nizzle! Ya' Dig!??Ü

Till then... I will make it work! (-Tim Gunn! Ü) ...Carry on... Hotness Carry On! On to my next Target! Hahahaha!Ü

Come out, Come out Wherever you are!! Ü

Feeling much better now..Ü

Last night I experienced yet another "manic-depressive" moment. I was sad for the reason that I had too much confusion going on in my life, that I felt I had to put an end to...but to no avail.

Thank God that today, I am again a-ok!Ü

I realized that there are a lot of things that I should not only be grateful for, but should be enough reason for me to be happy...I have people who love me and cherish me...My friendship, my mere presence, my REAL essence...as a woman, as a girl...and maybe as something in between (you dig??)!haha.Ü

For the longest time, I have been striving to find happiness in my life. It's not that I have found none...it's just that happiness, just like everything in this world is a fleeting thing, and when the moment disappears, I cannot bring it back...Thus, a moment of confusion and sadness begins...

If anything, with what I am going through right now, I have learned (and am still learning) the value of time, moments, spaces, and gaps...

I am not a self proclaimed benevolent person. But with the life pattern that I have been living, I realized that more often than not, I put other people's happiness before mine...I'm not quite sure if it's a good or bad thing though...However, it still stands that it is YOU before I.

I once heard (or read- I'm not quite sure), that the greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of Time...True...And it is because of which that I am now giving myself that gift...A gift that in my own opinion is long over due...I will now be living my life with all the time in world, smack right down at the palm of my hand!!! Ü

In giving myself time, I will not isolate or detach myself from things that I have long known. Rather, I will give myself, and take all the time to figure things out...Sort my emotions out, and discover where my true happiness lies...It will be the greatest journey of My life... I will start to live my life by not merely breathing without even thinking, travelling without really learning...Tasting without really enjoying...Time is the means, and happiness will be my end...I don't have to rush anything...Besides, NOW is the time when I am happy (whether REAL happiness or "fabricated" happiness)...and I will revel and thrive in that HAPPINESS!!! Ü

KUDOS!!

Deceit equates to Melancholy...

I woke up today thinking that I can do without you, but I guess that I was wrong. DEAD WRONG.

Karma strikes back, and when it does, it'll bite you in the hinney that every fleeting thing, and form of deceit, malice, and arrogance will come rushing back into memory, that you'll come to realize "yep. It's payback time."
Karma's a Bitch.

I have been doing things lately. Things that although I know wouldn't pass for a legit reason for a break up, or a fight even (and I do not have loose morals mind you), is still sure as hell, something that my significant other would not want for me to do.

I know this. I have known this all along. But still I do it.

What's driving me? You could say the lack of understanding; Self centeredness and a diminishing appreciation for my significant other...Or so I thought.

I have known all along that this is something that I should get out of - and quick! But I guess, it brought too much happiness (or so I thought) to a not so "happiness-filled kind of life" that I was not one to hesitate in investing emotionally.

I was not deceived...By other people...By my partner...By someone else. But let's just say that I was in love... Love. Love. Love. It's such a cliche...
Something gets screwed up, blame Love.
You get inspired, say it's Love.
You get inspired, then you get screwed up, you again say that it is..Love.

I have lived these past few days thinking that I can finally do it without her.
I even started to detach myself from her emotionally. or so I thought.
My time with her was lessened to merely "my spare time" when it used to be "my time".
I thought that I could finally be all the things that I want to be...and more!

I thought that finally, I am able to sort out my emotions, and finally I am able to realize where my happiness lies (and it's definitely not with her)...or so I thought.

There were a lot of deceptions for me these past few days...Not that I blame anyone for it... I mean, I should've seen this coming one way or another...But still, it doesn't change the fact that there was deception going on...in my mind at least!

I was deceived...I was fooled...I did these all to myself...I again, lived in a make believe world...Stripped myself from reality, and lost touch with humanity...The price I have to pay for which now is melancholy...

And so it goes, deceit equates to melancholy...

I'm not that sure just yet..So for now, let's just let things be..(SIMONE WEBB! pfft!)

It's too soon to make a decision... Ironic because, although I am a self confessed Indecisive and Impulsive person, still I want and am still trying my best to think this one thing through... I sure as hell wouldn't want to fuck this one up...Never again...

I am now quite unsure of my feelings for my significant other... Also quite unsure of how this "other" person feels for me. However, I don't really think that I am assuming with regard to how this other person feels for me since cards have already been drawn, and laid on the table (you know what I mean?? - C'est difficile! Je ne comprehend pas!).
I can't help but think that once again, I am just making excuses... Or maybe everything between this other person and I are just too casual that I can't help but feel that it is just a fleeting thing... fleeting thing... hmm.. It struck me just now, maybe it is because of the combination of these two words that the word "fling" was formed... maybe.
In relation, I would also just like to make it clear that, NO I am not a cheater, or a player, or a efin bitch (whatever the right term is) for that matter. Because I am NOT cheating, neither am I playing, nor using nobody.

Details of how my day was today...

My significant other and I saw each other just a few hours ago. She picked me up at my unit. We stayed longer than we shouldv'e - because of "circumstances that simply bring too good of a feeling that makes it all the more hard to resist!". We had dinner and talked about what happened between the two of us, and..and..and..basically we just talked about stuff. Things that happened in school, at home, and things happening between common friends, which we swore we would never let happen to us...
This other person (who is a "friend" - Who is actually the one who encouraged me to start blogging - who will now be called Simone Webb) alread knew that my significant other (who will now be called Dame) and I would meet today, and that Dame would be sleeping over this weekend. So naturally Simone Webb and I had come to an "agreement" that we would just start to keep in touch this coming Monday and that he would come over (omfg! I still haven't told him though, that we wouldn't be able to see each other on Monday, since I would have to go to the hospital for my appointment with the doctor). And again, just to make it clear, the reason we had this "agreement" is because of course, he knows that I am still in this relationship and that my time with my signifacnt other, at the end of the day is still what is important. And most importantly (at least this is what I think) he does not want me to get into any kind of "trouble" - not that I am really doing anything that would call for an arguement or whatever...
Moving on... I just think that it is kind of weird, and I also feel guilty in a way, because the whole time that Dame and I were together, it was Simone Webb that I kept on thinking about. We had dinner along Taft, and naturally there were students from Taft who I saw there. Some of which were HRIM, which! made me just think of Simone Webb all the more!...and It's weird because although I have long known that Simone Webb was an HRIM student (Simone Webb just graduated. CONGRATS!:D), I never really thought of him as much as I did earlier (even though I saw much more of these students in the past) ...Weird...

I have been wanting to talk to Simone Webb for the past three hours now. Unfortunately, I was not able to save his number... And I really really want to talk to him right at this very moment. He hasn't kept in touch yet because of our so called "agreement" (for a lack of a better term)...Hayy... But come to think of it, maybe it is a good thing. Maybe now, I should just embrace the time that I have for myself, and think about things that I should be thinking about...Maybe this way, by not talking to anyone, I would be better able to reflect and understand things in a much clear manner...

And so now, I will think...

I'm still finding my way back into you..So there

Hahahahaha!!..

Ironic. What I'm feeling right now, is a far cry from being happy. No..Don't get me wrong. It's not that I am not happy..It's just that happiness maybe is too much of a word to describe what I am feeling..So let's see..I am...Dazed..Right, let us just settle with dazed..for now...

I'm currently sorting out my emotions...Literally, currently..Like, as of this moment...

So..Hmm..

*Dead Air*.. ( Can you have dead air even if you're alone??)

Ok..Here goes my blog entry..

This week (April 6-10, 2008 - to be more exact), I have been into a really terrible fight with my significant other ( I now prefer to call her my significant other rather than, "my lover" because the term drives me crazy!haha). Yes, we've had pretty crazy fights before, but this one is by far the longest. I don't know who to blame exactly because as they say, it takes two to tango. She was wrong, and so was I.

Let me describe to you how and why it all happened ( the fight that is) - in a nutshell...Basically, she doesn't like my friends, and I of course, ADORE my friends. Friendship is a big part for me. So important that I am actually scared of falling for a friend (hmm..revelation! revelation!).. I wouldn't even dare to "take the next step" with a friend, especially if that friend is someone who I really treasure. This has already happened to me before..But then again, I still am not that sure. Because at the back of my mind, something tells me that maybe I am just making an excuse for not really wanting to fall because of the lack of...physical attraction? maybe...finding something in common - not that kind of common common..something common..like something you can use to build a relationship with this other person - this "friend"...perhaps..So there..going back..(I am actually short term - another revelation! - that is why I am now going to take a look, back at what I was just trying to say earlier)...So there..I love my friends. It's such a cliche..as in gasgas! But really! Friendship is a big part for me..There was even a point in my life when friendship was a close second to being as important as my family is to me..More or less you get the picture - right?... So there..and yeah, for emphasis, let me also say that we are a close knit family..really..So there.. The fight basically happened because, she doesn't want me to be with me friends (because according to her - verbatim - "ayoko ng may kahati..ganun akong klase ng tao..hinid mo ba kayang matanggap yun?"), and I being the "lovely rebel" that I am (haha :D) still try to find ways, in order for us (my friends and I) to meet..in a word, what I do is tumakas so there..You get the drift..She found out..naturally, I was busted, and then we fought..But now, we're "okay"..or so I think..or so I would want us to be..or so I convince myself...

Moving on..to be able to better understand, dates are very much important..Remember that we we're in this fight from the 6th of April, up until the 10th of the same month..It was four days..Yes, a little short in comparison to the fights that other people have with their significant other. However, for us it's already considered as something looonnngg..And oh! It was only this after noon that we were able to "patch things up". (Also notice the quotation marks in every word that I type down)..Moving on..Looking at my previous blog entry, it's dated 9th of April 2008. It's about a rendezvous (marunong eh!hahaha. :D) with a friend, we met the night of April 8, and that night was..my my..hmm..inspiring for one..yes it was inspiring.. However, I still feel that I don't do it (the rendezvous) justice be merely describing it as inspiring..let's see..That night was in more ways than one.."heaven"..at least that is what I think..for now..(again, remember what I said in my previous blog entry - the one before this...I am a very indecisive person..it goes with basically anything and everything - even the words and statements that I throw around..not just with my decsion making) So there..moving on..Many things were laid down on the table that night..Things that I must say, I was and still am not quite prepared for..It was casual, yes..But still it gave me this sense of awkwardness..but! awkward in a not so negative way..Just like surprises, there're good surprises and bad surprises..This one is a good kind of awkward (if there is such a thing..)..So there...let me fast forward it to what I am feeling right now, which caused me to again write another blog entry. And let me just say that to write a blog entry, (wherein you basically state what you are going through, or feeling) which is in one way or another accessible to anyone who would give you and your rants and raves a time of day, is quite hard! I mean, think of this..To tell someone how you feel..Someone..That one person..That one person - who you feel, has to know what you feel..is already hard as it is..What more, practically telling anyone and everyone what you feel..It's quite tough!..and all I can say is "Kudos to those who have multiple blog entries!! - given that they do not write "bullshit". :) "

So going back to what I was trying to say..I'm feeling dazed..dazed because I was not prepared. And though everything still remains to be casual, and though I know that I am happy, still I question myself of this happiness that I am feeling..Maybe my conception of happiness, just like love is over rated..Maybe I simply have no idea whatsoever..I diagnose myself as highly neurotic. I think too much about mundane things.. More often than not, I contemplate, and the result for which is a flight of ideas..I am simply dazed..and I settle with the word dazed as a definition..for now...

Going back to the fight that we had ( and again I would like to stress that we are now "okay" - again a quotation mark..why? Because, it would still depend on how you would like to define the word okay..so there.), the night of April 9th, I cried..She said things. Things that I am not sure, if was called for..anyhow, same thing..she said it, it made me cry ( which explains the uploaded photo), and it wouldn't make any difference now...

"hindi na kita kilala pat.."


"bakit ba parang ikaw mismo yung gumagawa ng way para magkagulo tayo??.." (bullcrap in my own opinion!..I was not deliberately starting a fight because at that point, I was just tired!..Tired of the fighting..Tired of her being insular..Tired of everything..Everything that we had)..

Moving on...

Now, I still am dazed..okay..AND confused..of things that are happening between me and my partner..What is going on??..Why am I feeling this way towards her, and when did it all start?? hayy...pfft!.. Questions, questions..When will there be answers?

My partner and I have been together for 3 years now (honestly, I'm really not that sure because things happened between the two of us..But, she told me that it's three years..so yep, three years it is..) but, now I am confused of where I stand, (stand in terms of me, questioning what I am now feeling towards her..) and Inasmuch I would not want to hurt her, (because, I for one - in my own opinion - have felt the deepest kind of pain, hurt, remorse, sorrow, self pity..and everything that goes with it..with her..) I can't help but think that there will come a time that I would (and this would not be the "highschool kind of hurt" - if you know what I mean)...and no, I am most definitely not in denial of the fact that "love without pain is meaningless", but I swear that it would be the last thing that I would want to do..and so it goes without saying that indeed I am dazed..AND confused..AND ultimately, weird..

I think that I am now (once again) being highly neurotic..and I have to calm myself (haha..I am always in panic like PANIC! AT THE DISCO! haha..and so it goes.."I don't write sins, I write tragedies"!hahahaha! :D)..I am being my corny self once again..my deepest apologies..

BUT!This subject would not be left hanging cause I feel that it has not been wrapped up yet..It's just that I think (I think! maybe there lies the problem..I should just stop thinking! - is that possible??) that again, I am having a flight of ideas, which I cannot handle..

So till then..CHEERS! :)

a very inspiring (6hours non-stop talking) night

No it wasn't a date. It wasn't anything of that sort...Let's just say that it was rendezvous. A rendezvous of two old friends who've had the same admiration for each other for the longest time!haha...kidding! The night I must say could pass for my "heaven"...seriously. It was the first time that I was in a conversation that wasn't purely small talk. It was something that I did not experience even with my significant other. Intimate? nope, perhaps not. But definitely stimulating! (to the mind that is! haha..). I missed YOU!...I swear! It was a good thing that we met again after..uhh..let me see..when was the last time we hung out? 2007?!haha

Moving on... It was all because of that inspiring night, which caused me to start blogging..."Kung hindi mo maisip pano, isulat mo.ganun ginagawa namin sa bahay eh.write down the pro's and con's..It'll help you figure things out.." However, honestly, I really don't think that I would have to write down the pro's and con's of this rut (for the lack of a more appropriate term) that I am in, to be able to see things "in perspective". Like what I said last night, "yun nga yung problema eh. I know what to do. I just have to push myself to do it!And I apparently, can't bring myself to that next step.." crap!

But this is inspiring. Just like last night and I thank you for that my friend - soon to be lover!hahaha... I love messing around with you! Sensible ka nga kasi my friend! (Honestly, hindi ko masyado makita yung connection dun...uhh... BITE ME!Haha)

Moving on...I'm just really psyched that I have had a taste of heaven! haha..Yeah I know, I still remember what I said, that my heaven wouldn't be something that's really typical - something that's pure bliss..I would prefer it to be a time in my life when I was total wreck! But then again, I remember saying that it would be a time in my life wherein I was able to learn a lot! And yep, I sure learned a lot last night! Thanks to you! And let me just add, you were consistent all the way!Did not falter, not once - no siree! Hahaha

Recap...

What were the things that we talked about last night?Let me see.. First of, we talked about this girl whose true identity I will conceal, (for not really being assured of the privacy policy of blog spot) and will now be known as SALLY! Why Sally, you may ask? It is simply because, Sally sells sea shealle's on the seashore. Haha. Good one! Applause for me senyor! haha...
This is what I have to say...to you, yes you!

You have to find someone who will be there for the long haul. Someone who'll ride with you in the limousine, and most importantly, who will still be with you to ride the pedicab (haha.I couldn't possibly think of anything more degrading in comparison to a limousine!) when it breaks down. You deserve that. You just like your best friend, (who I miss to tears!) are two good guys - You guys've shown me that, and I believe that.

But enough about you and Sally, I know you have already moved on (or so you say..haha. kidding!) and I am very proud of you! I am one proud momma!...Naturally, I also keep my hopes up that soon (-er or later??) I would also be able to do the same thing for myself, and you have helped me in many areas of my life, in trying to analyze, realize, rationalize that. You are my Joe d Mango! haha...

By the way, I guess I have to come clean, wala lang... I remember telling you last night kasi that we're not together anymore, that yeah, we aren't technically together but that, it still seems that as if we are. Truth is...that...yes...we still are together. (although, I don't know, but I just have this feeling that you already figured that one out, and that you're just "playing along") we haven't broken up, since that last time that we got back together - I think.. However, it is...it is...it is...Very rocky. We fight alot. The abuse (is abuse the proper term for this??again, abuse is being used for the lack of a better term), has been lessened to "only" verbal and emotional. It's fucked up I know. But yeah, that's the thing...Again, I cannot bring myself to the point of actually letting it all go...I am a person shrouded by fears and insecurities. Fear of the future, Fear of not being..., Fear of basically anything and everything that is unknown. And a primary fear of basically, calling it off, thinking that I can do it without her, and then realizing that, Hell, I surely have fucked this one up.I'm still not over "my lover" (hahaha - remember when we used this last night??), and being the indecisive person that I am, I have made a life changing decision which I couldn't really live with... I also fear, of facing the hardest repercussion of a hastly made decision, which would be that, "my lover" (haha.I really can't get over this...It's so gay senyor!) after suffering from our break up would finally recover and find someone who's way better than who I used to be when we were still together (or worse, a better person than me, altogether!hayy)...Talk about insecurity huh?? Yeah, I know... I know I already told you this last night..But, there was clearly something that I omitted, and just like what I always say..omission is betrayal. We are friends. I don't want to taint the trust of a friend..and so there...yeah...that's just basically the thing...

I am hoping for better days...maybe with you for all we know?! hahaha...

I miss that night...Let's do it again...Invite mon senyor! I really miss him....

LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL!:)

and to wrap this up...yeah, I've noticed...It didn't escape my attention that this doesn't really seem to be a blog.. It's like a letter..a love letter??ahahaha.not quite!well, let's just say that this is an ode! And ode to you..for being the person who encouraged me to start blogging! CHEERS!:)