My Sins (this is not a confession).

Today is quite inexplicable. I am not happy, nor am I sad. I guess, today I am hoping. Today I am waiting.

I am not, and I guess was never really a patient person. I would always get irate and quirky when I want something, and I don't get it IMMEDIATELY! Waiting always drives me nuts. My mom for one, always says that "God has His own time" or that "Patience is a virtue". But, I am not really drawn by these mantras. When I want something, I should get it, and FAST! as in really fast.

When I really want something, and someone would make me wait for it, the act of waiting in itself would make me lose all the excitement, all the feelings that would make all the wait "worthwhile". I would just get angry, I would just be bitter; the longing will be replaced by hatred... Hatred for the person who made me wait...Hatred in the circumstance, or you can say, fate - Hating fate for not giving it to me when I wanted it so bad!When I am wanting it still so bad!...

It is best not to make me wait...


I would like to think that it is not merely the act of waiting which irritates me so much. I would believe that it is for reason as to why I (still) had to wait. Why you still made me wait...In spite of knowing for a fact that I wanted it so bad...I want it so bad...that it has to be NOW.

Spoiled. Rotten. Bratty...Maybe. But No. I think that once again, I beg to disagree. Let's just say that some people have weaknesses... And waiting, well yes, waiting (for one), and being impatient is mine.

Today, I feel incomplete. Yesterday, I was mad. I was sad. I was in a roller coaster, for my emotions were not that defined. I would walk, and at a sudden turn, a new emotion would be felt by me. I was unstable...Yes, you could say unstable. Yesterday, I was most definitely emotionally unstable...

Yesterday wasn't the first.

Today like any other, I am a sinner.

I have been, still am, and always will be a sinner.

Now, I write down my sins with no intention to repent...



1. ANGER:

My latest realization today, is that I still haven't escaped all the memories (and everything that goes with it). Pain. ANGER. Hatred. Longing.


Wanting - revenge; Needing - to avenge myself.

Vengeance in the hopes of redeeming myself and regaining everything that was lost. Everything that was stolen. Everything that was robbed off of me. It was robbed. It was taken without permission; without my knowledge. I should have seen it coming one way or another. But, No. I did not - and I cannot undo that. I cannot wish for something to be once again pristine when it is which that cannot be undone. That would be so wrong. It's wrong on so many levels. It would be going against nature for one. It would be an abomination. Simply put, it is impossible.


All I can do now, is to move on, and hope for better days ahead. Moving on - easier said than done. Moving on - a myth, a ray of hope, something intangible.


My way of looking at it is that it is asymptotic. Like truth, moving on is Asymptotic. You get there but not really. You think you are there...finally...But then again, not really. You could almost touch it, almost taste it, you could use it to your advantage by believe in it as something that is true! Make it your guiding principle in life; your redeeming grace; your second chance; your tabula rasa (for those who are more hopeful, and less condemned)...ALMOST.


That is what I believe in...For now.


Until I am what I want to be.

Until I accept who I can (only) be.

That will be the only time that I will be able to find solitude

My solitude. My conception. My rules. My solitude.

I will be vindicated.

I will make pristine that which cannot be undone.

I will be a believer. I will no longer be a contradiction because I have finally found solid ground. I will be better. way better.

2. INSECURITY:

I have lived my life knowing that I am this, and I am that. But I honestly never, never ever really believed in everything that I thought.

My Dreams would be my fuel for my passion, and Hope will be my salvation for my dread.

I have been called many names. Been placed on pedestals, that I have since then fallen from. There really wasn't much to see. If anything, it only made me more insecure of me. It only made me realize that everything that I can be was only make believe. A fantasy. Because ultimately, I still have yet to know me - the real me. I still have yet to find my solid ground; know where my faith lies... Rest on my solid rock, and start building my chateau's on these concrete lands, instead of investing on them so much yet building them in the sand.

From a distance, it would be prettier building sand castles. It would appear to be more fun, building sand castles. But this can be, this is decieving! This is a deception. Everything brings good feelings, good vibes, good energies, the kind which all of us long for, but in the end what it does ultimately, is waste our time.

It wastes our time. Pollutes our mind. Dampens our Spirit. Weakenss our heart. And initially hampers our growth.

(...to be continued)

I CAN AND WILL BE everything she COULD EVER BE...and MORE!

I woke up today feeling a lot of angst in my heart.
Maybe it was caused by various sentiments for the past years that have bottled up, and now has erupted like a volcano. No warnings. No signs. Just a plea that you will be prepared for its coming...

There are a lot of issues that I have to resolve; with other people, and most importantly, with myself.

I have yet to know who I really am. I guess that I am also just like you... I am on a soul searching escapade! I have yet to know who I really am - my purpose, my being, my real essence. To merely zero me in on a certain adjective would be an understatement, and it is not because I have multiple persona's, but it is because I am in many ways a "jack of all trades" (for the lack of a better term), also I have yet to know and settle on an adjective that best suits me (not that I am diminishing my value or essence as a person to a mere adjective).

Today was not good to me at all.
I woke up with a chip on my shoulder.
I believe that I have for the past months. However, I was in the pursuit of a happiness that I thought was for me. And I brushed the thought of me, having a chip in spite of it, having been very apparent and all.

I was going after the wrong things in life.
I have been going after "things" that I thought was what was missing.
I was living, but not really.
I was here; was alive, but then again, not really.

It's more than about missing somebody, or certain people (for that matter) who've touched my life.
It's more on, about me missing out on life.period.

It's not merely about losing your sanity,
It's about me losing me, as an identity - all together!

The chip that I long neglected has now taken it's toll on me
I have now come to realize for one, that this chip on my shoulder
has, and have been for the longest time, like a wick in a candle, consumed my totality as a person.

I have forgotten how to be me...I have forgotten me...I have forgotten, hence lost myself - altogether.


My emotions are welling up inside me. The last time I was like this was when I broke up with my girlfriend. Now, it's all coming back to haunt me again.

However, I will welcome it if I must. After all, it was during those times that I must say, was I "INSPIRED". I was floating, drifting, getting lost in the chaos, and being affected more than ever by the emotions inside me, and still not really giving a damn about "things that really mattered". However, it was because of all of these, that I was able to center more on what was really inside of me, and I was able to channel all the hurts (due to the lies), frustrations (due to expectations - that were not that extravagant - at all! mind you!), and disappointments (due to the answers that were not able to answer the questions at all) to ART. Quite ironic but hey, I guess it's just the way that it is, and I can't really argue with that...

There're things that I can change, but for those which I cannot, I will just accept. Accept and move on.

It all lies upon once tolerance level...This is the time that I will increase mine!!!...

And to life's difficulties and adversities - I know it all comes with a purpose! I will not come out of it undone!!

and so I say...Bring it on MotherFvcker!!!

something expected..oh well, it's cyclical!

We got back together again!:) details of how it all happened to be posted on my blogspot tomorrow, for the reason that I am already ishlipy...*awww*yawn* :(

I will blog about it with vivid descriptions, it'd be as if you were there! haha..

GOOD NIGHT! Every day grace!

CHEERS!:)

...In Love with Love

Cyclical. Blissful. Temporary, and more
These are some of the things to describe
Love that I have long adored.

It's all transitory, it's all part of God's plan
A plan crafted and marked by His own endearing hands.

No matter what preferrence, No matter how vague
Still you cannot escape the fact that love and to be loved is most definitely in your fate.

Faith, Fidelity, Communication and Trust
Keep these values sacred
Die with it if you must.

Love a person not the thought of a person loving you
And when the time comes that God thinks you already can
embrace it gracefully, after all it's future still lies in your hands.

While the timing is not yet right
While the purpose is still unclear
Prepare yourself to become the best person
for the one who will love you dear.

Time is of the essence
Take everything in stride
You don't know how soon
You and I just might collide

Laugh, Love, Live even if your alone
Invitations still grant farewells
Make sure that you will still be able to make it on your own.

Cyclical. Blissful. Transitory is everything in life...True.
And the only soul you'd be able to count on
Will be no one else but you

Inspire people but don't let them use you
Show them what's lacking
Gratitude, Value, and Truth.

Deceptions may be everywhere
But still there's room for Truth
For we are all created by one Master
and His love will never falter

*BOW* Ü u-huh! u-huh!

efin bored..snap! we just broke up

I think that finally I've had enough...So I called it off...As far as I know, we're not together anymore... I did break up with her you know...For sure...Hmm...However, She took a nap and is still asleep so I still don't know for sure if it's final that we're not together anymore...Who knows? Maybe when She wakes up, she'll start to win me back! - and I just might give in! Hahaha! I'm not keeping my hopes up though...

Today's a blessing because, today I'm Happy and I'm mighty fine!Ü Super fine!Ü Bummin' around is fun! Boring but fun! Sheer boredom can equate to fun!Ü Haha. I'm starting this new thing of finding happiness in everything...as in everything! dayymm! Good one! Ü

Our meeting up for today was cancelled. I cancelled it because I thought I had these plans but nope. No plans for today...or tomorrow.

We talked over the phone, and that is how we broke we up. Hahaha. Kind of informal I know. But, can't blame me...No siree! I've had enough...Or have I?? Beats me.

Answering survey's used to be my remedy for boredom. Now, it's blogging!
Ranting and Raving about something without Scooby really knowing! Hahaha...But soon it wil be unleashed! It is like a magic trick, and every trick has a secret behind it...Soon it will be known...For sure...Fo' shizzle Ma' Nizzle! Ya' Dig!??Ü

Till then... I will make it work! (-Tim Gunn! Ü) ...Carry on... Hotness Carry On! On to my next Target! Hahahaha!Ü

Come out, Come out Wherever you are!! Ü

Feeling much better now..Ü

Last night I experienced yet another "manic-depressive" moment. I was sad for the reason that I had too much confusion going on in my life, that I felt I had to put an end to...but to no avail.

Thank God that today, I am again a-ok!Ü

I realized that there are a lot of things that I should not only be grateful for, but should be enough reason for me to be happy...I have people who love me and cherish me...My friendship, my mere presence, my REAL essence...as a woman, as a girl...and maybe as something in between (you dig??)!haha.Ü

For the longest time, I have been striving to find happiness in my life. It's not that I have found none...it's just that happiness, just like everything in this world is a fleeting thing, and when the moment disappears, I cannot bring it back...Thus, a moment of confusion and sadness begins...

If anything, with what I am going through right now, I have learned (and am still learning) the value of time, moments, spaces, and gaps...

I am not a self proclaimed benevolent person. But with the life pattern that I have been living, I realized that more often than not, I put other people's happiness before mine...I'm not quite sure if it's a good or bad thing though...However, it still stands that it is YOU before I.

I once heard (or read- I'm not quite sure), that the greatest gift you can give someone is the gift of Time...True...And it is because of which that I am now giving myself that gift...A gift that in my own opinion is long over due...I will now be living my life with all the time in world, smack right down at the palm of my hand!!! Ü

In giving myself time, I will not isolate or detach myself from things that I have long known. Rather, I will give myself, and take all the time to figure things out...Sort my emotions out, and discover where my true happiness lies...It will be the greatest journey of My life... I will start to live my life by not merely breathing without even thinking, travelling without really learning...Tasting without really enjoying...Time is the means, and happiness will be my end...I don't have to rush anything...Besides, NOW is the time when I am happy (whether REAL happiness or "fabricated" happiness)...and I will revel and thrive in that HAPPINESS!!! Ü

KUDOS!!

Deceit equates to Melancholy...

I woke up today thinking that I can do without you, but I guess that I was wrong. DEAD WRONG.

Karma strikes back, and when it does, it'll bite you in the hinney that every fleeting thing, and form of deceit, malice, and arrogance will come rushing back into memory, that you'll come to realize "yep. It's payback time."
Karma's a Bitch.

I have been doing things lately. Things that although I know wouldn't pass for a legit reason for a break up, or a fight even (and I do not have loose morals mind you), is still sure as hell, something that my significant other would not want for me to do.

I know this. I have known this all along. But still I do it.

What's driving me? You could say the lack of understanding; Self centeredness and a diminishing appreciation for my significant other...Or so I thought.

I have known all along that this is something that I should get out of - and quick! But I guess, it brought too much happiness (or so I thought) to a not so "happiness-filled kind of life" that I was not one to hesitate in investing emotionally.

I was not deceived...By other people...By my partner...By someone else. But let's just say that I was in love... Love. Love. Love. It's such a cliche...
Something gets screwed up, blame Love.
You get inspired, say it's Love.
You get inspired, then you get screwed up, you again say that it is..Love.

I have lived these past few days thinking that I can finally do it without her.
I even started to detach myself from her emotionally. or so I thought.
My time with her was lessened to merely "my spare time" when it used to be "my time".
I thought that I could finally be all the things that I want to be...and more!

I thought that finally, I am able to sort out my emotions, and finally I am able to realize where my happiness lies (and it's definitely not with her)...or so I thought.

There were a lot of deceptions for me these past few days...Not that I blame anyone for it... I mean, I should've seen this coming one way or another...But still, it doesn't change the fact that there was deception going on...in my mind at least!

I was deceived...I was fooled...I did these all to myself...I again, lived in a make believe world...Stripped myself from reality, and lost touch with humanity...The price I have to pay for which now is melancholy...

And so it goes, deceit equates to melancholy...